It's a quiet affair--a few friends, a few drinks, a few snacks. Everyone is relaxed, chatting, having a good time when That Guy comes in. He stands grimly in the corner of the room, then as soon as there's a lull in the conversation, he announces that he can't believe that you're all talking about Vikings when Boko Haram is still killing and kidnapping civilians in Nigeria. In the awkward silence that follows, your neighbour clears her throat and mentions that she's been canvassing for the Heart and Stoke foundation. That Guy scoffs and asks her of she knows how many people still die of malaria in Myanmar? Your guests start to feel guilty for having fun when the world is such a tragic place for so many people, so one by one, they murmur a quiet "Happy Birthday" and make for the door. And that's when your old college friend, who's always a few days behind on memes, asks if anyone has seen That Dress--and That Guy flips the f#$k out. He accuses everyone of being self-absorbed and frivolous and not caring about African Americans living in constant fear of police brutality. And right then, you know that he's right, and you are a horrible person, and you had no right to try and have any fun at all when there is so much suffering in the world.
The thing about That Guy, of course, is that you probably wouldn't invite him to your next birthday party because the next day, you wake up and shake off your shame and you realize that, yeah, it's important to know what's going on in the world and to do something to make things better when you can, but you still have the right to have fun every now and then. As much as you admire That Guy, you have to admit that you don't really like him. So you only feel a little bad for culling him from your social circle.
So why do we still let That Guy attention shame us on social media? Because it happens all the time--people who post links to damning articles about how selfish and frivolous we all are, and how insensitive and irresponsible it is to fail to post important, devastating and under-reported news stories.
Here are some of the reasons I've been attention-shamed on social media in the past few months:
- For doing the Ice Bucket Challenge: I was accused of not caring about less popular issues like Michael Brown and the protests in Ferguson
- For sharing a story about the science behind the way we see the colours of The Dress differently while news was happening
- For celebrating the mostly middle-class women in my life in an International Women's Day post
And every time someone attention-shames me, I feel awful. I want to be a good person and a good global citizen. I know that mainstream media fails to report on major issues that don't directly impact the North American economy. I understand that the kind of feminism that is frequently celebrated during events like International Women's Day tends to focus on issues that matter most to white, middle-class women. I also know that social media is incredibly powerful. It has the potential to motivate and inform and unite us. And I can understand why so many of us share the kinds of stories and issues that are important to us on social media--because all of our friends are there, and we hope that they'll see the things that matter to us, and that those things will start to matter to them, too.
But social media has its limits. We can't make a problem go away just by sharing a post about it. And we're human beings, so our time and attention is limited. Even the most caring, empathetic people can't pay attention to every issue all the time.
And social media is social. Sometimes, that means being silly and self-centered. Sometimes, we're friends or jokesters or people with our own problems instead of global citizens. Know what, though? I think that's OK. Here's a funny cat video that might help you see my point here.
So keep sharing news stories that are important to you. I promise I'll do my best to pay attention. I also promise to try to do more than just sharing and posting--I promise to donate money and time to the causes that matter most to me, and to find ways to change the world by changing the way I think and speak and act in my offline life. But I have a favour to ask you:
Don't tell me what not to pay attention to. Don't tell me that your cause is more important than mine. Don't tell me that I don't have the right to feel sad or angry or hopeful when I see some stories. Don't tell me that I can't care about the world and tell jokes or share cat videos.
Don't be That Guy. If you're That Guy, I'm not going to invite you to my birthday party. Not this year.
