Everybody Has Their Price, I Guess

You guys know how I feel about reality television, and the Idol competition in particular. Sure, we all know that pop music is as much a product of corporate manufacturing as Microsoft computers and vinyl siding, but let's not rub our faces in it. I've always felt, though, that Canada--and Edmonton in particular--has a strong, vibrant independent arts scene, and that belief has let me feel pretty strongly that whatever cultural pabulum Corporate America (or Canada) has to feed us, there are smart and talented people who are fighting the good fight, in their own way. People like my friend Heather, who is the most amazing director/dramaturg I've ever had the pleasure of working with--and stronger performers than me can say the same. People like Tania, who is opening her own belly dance studio this fall. Other cool, talented people that I know like Scott Sharplin, Kyla Fisher, Saskia Aarts, Janaya Ellis, and Christine Sokaymoh Frederick. People that I don't know like Darren Hagen and Sheldon Elter, who pretty much make a career out of Fringe theatre. Then, the other day, I was watching TV and an ad for Canadian Idol came on, announcing this year's competitors, including Edmonton's Sheldon Elter. I figure, no way--not the Metis Mutt guy. Must be a coincidence. So I go online and, sure enough, it's him.
Granted, I don't know the guy personally. To be honest, I'm not even all that familiar with his work. For all I know, he's been dreaming of reforming 98 Degrees ever since Nick up and married Jessica. I had a pretty strong feeling up until now, though, that if I ever did meet him, there was a good chance that we could sit down and talk about what's wrong with culture production in North America today. So maybe I don't have the right to feel betrayed by what I see as an obvious sellout by the poster boy for indie arts in Alberta--but I can't help but wonder how the ticket sales for his Fringe show this summer are going to go.
So. In the spirit of Mr Elter's stint on Idol, I have mapped future career paths for each of you.
Mom: doing advertising artwork for Ritalin.
Trent: playing backup bass for Britney Spears' next Pepsi ad.
Heather: directing said ad.
Tania and Aunt Deb: developing a way of maximizing the fat-burning movements in belly dancing to incorporate them in a "Look Like Paris Hilton in 2 Easy Weeks" diet and exercise manual.
Roz: developing a bacteria that eats body fat so that the wealthy don't have to learn the belly dance exercise regime.
Toni: organizing the women in the correctional facility to perform unpaid manual labour in the production of Sheldon Elter's debut album.
Heidi: launching a subliminal ad campaign to convince Banff vagrants to do roadside advertising for the album instead of begging for change
Phidit and Brad: engineering a computer that will eliminate the need for reading--just input the titles (or just the picture of the movie version you saw on the cover if you can't remember the title) of whatever books you happened to see in the bookstore, and the computer will generate academic essays, witty party repartee and well-considered opinions for multiple situations from job interview to date to a chance conversation with the author.
That's it. That's all I got. Go forth and corporatize, my lovelies.